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| Pretty much like this |
Sometimes I wish I could just be sure of myself, not filled with so much doubt about everything. I wish I could be the person so many people think I am, the truth is I am just not him. There is so much more to me, besides what can be seen and what I let be seen. What most people know about me is just tip of the iceberg and my mind is infinite.
I do not want to just be some legacy to idolize, I want to be a real and active person in people's life right now, the good, the bad and everything in between. Every so often I can be pretty terrible, to my family mostly, I am usually just upset about something in my life but, on occasion, it's for no particular reason at all. The worst part of me being vicious like that is how much I can enjoy it, now and again I just want to tell the whole world to F*** off. Being the bad guy can feel good at times.
My brain is a battleground of dark radical thoughts and raging emotions. Conflict, contradiction and doubt rack my mind constantly. Guilt, regret and fear are some of my biggest foes. "What if" is like a cancer of my mind, the concept of what could have been can be all consuming if one is not careful.
My head, all to often, lets me long for what I cannot have; the kiss, the car, the scar, the freedom, this ridiculous notion of a "normal" life. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, as if things just keep getting worse and I just can't fight the tide. There are times I feel so alone, like everyone's lives are moving forward and I'm stuck, bored and left behind in this cage of a body with only my thoughts remaining. My mind frees me and traps me at the same time, its heaven and its hell. It gives me strength and shows my weakness, it gives me the whole universe but also confines me to the 8 inches between my ears.
I have to keep fighting that familiar darkness though, I have to make this life work, make it count. If you're losing the spark of hope, if your world is crumbling, if you're losing faith in people, if you're hurting, if all seems lost, if you can't find your way, if you're in despair it's all right. No matter the size of your troubles, weather they are big or they are small, they are real and you are not alone, you never are.
Keep going...
I do not want to just be some legacy to idolize, I want to be a real and active person in people's life right now, the good, the bad and everything in between. Every so often I can be pretty terrible, to my family mostly, I am usually just upset about something in my life but, on occasion, it's for no particular reason at all. The worst part of me being vicious like that is how much I can enjoy it, now and again I just want to tell the whole world to F*** off. Being the bad guy can feel good at times.
My brain is a battleground of dark radical thoughts and raging emotions. Conflict, contradiction and doubt rack my mind constantly. Guilt, regret and fear are some of my biggest foes. "What if" is like a cancer of my mind, the concept of what could have been can be all consuming if one is not careful.
My head, all to often, lets me long for what I cannot have; the kiss, the car, the scar, the freedom, this ridiculous notion of a "normal" life. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, as if things just keep getting worse and I just can't fight the tide. There are times I feel so alone, like everyone's lives are moving forward and I'm stuck, bored and left behind in this cage of a body with only my thoughts remaining. My mind frees me and traps me at the same time, its heaven and its hell. It gives me strength and shows my weakness, it gives me the whole universe but also confines me to the 8 inches between my ears.
I have to keep fighting that familiar darkness though, I have to make this life work, make it count. If you're losing the spark of hope, if your world is crumbling, if you're losing faith in people, if you're hurting, if all seems lost, if you can't find your way, if you're in despair it's all right. No matter the size of your troubles, weather they are big or they are small, they are real and you are not alone, you never are.
Keep going...
KEEP GOING.
I know exactly what you mean, with your mind being your greatest enemy and your greatest escape. Sometimes I feel like I live too much inside of my head, partly because I prefer it that way and partly because I am scared to do anything otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI've gotten into the habit of suppressing everything that I feel and then it all comes out in huge, sudden, violent bursts of emotion that are both physically and mentally painful. Like... it's ridiculous and I still haven't been able to cope with that whole thing yet, it's hard to stop doing it and yet how else can you protect yourself from all of the tough shit in the world?
I dunno~ My self preservation is equally as destructive to me. ._.
OH AND BTW THE WAY.
ReplyDeleteTHE GRADUATE/THE SOUND OF SILENCE =
SADDEST MOVIE/SONG IN MY LIFE